Reflections of an Apex Predator- April 2023

Since I began following Jesus as a young man, I’ve been aware of the inherent conflict my personality brings to this quest.  From a kid playing sports, the penchant to try and conquer opponents was fostered by coaches and integrated into my operating system.  Ten years on the trading floor exacerbated these tendencies—the game was all about dominating at the expense of others.  Like many of us, I was trained to be an apex predator.

Nowhere was the dark side of the alpha personality revealed more starkly than in The Last Dance, a documentary about the Chicago Bulls.  When asked by a reporter about his abusive behavior towards teammates, Michael Jordan shook his head and scoffed: “What the f—k would you know about what it takes to win?”  Jordan was saying that success has a high cost.  This was equally true for pit traders as for ballplayers.  If you could, you elevated yourself so that others doubted themselves and ultimately felt they had no chance.  And they didn’t once the die was cast.  We called it success but in no way was it healthy.

Of course, none of this fits with following Jesus.  This morning I read his rebuke of James and John for trying to get favored treatment in the kingdom.  He told the brothers that while this was how the world acted, his followers were to be servants rather than lords of each other.

Identifying the conflict is the beginning of healing.  Does any of this touch a nerve?

Those of us with a problem take help wherever we can get it.  One of the places I surrender my dominance is the wilderness of the west.  I will never forget the rush I got from hiking the grizzly-packed Denali wilderness in Alaska with my friend, Jim Hallene.  It was terrifying and exhilarating to walk in the domain of a more dominant species.  If we walked up on a grizzly sow with her cubs, it would likely be the last thing we did on earth.  Believe me when I say that we were fully present and alive to this possibility—particularly since there were no marked trails—just an open tundra.  It felt healthy to be reduced to this non-dominant role.

This memory was rekindled for me last month while hiking and biking through New Zealand with Kathy.  The landscapes are beautiful beyond description–if you have seen The Lord of the Rings movies, you’ve got the picture.  But while staying at a sheep station on the South Island, we were told that the biggest predator in NZ bigger was an opossum.  Here we were, in the most rugged and majestic scenery in the world, with no predator bigger than a large rodent.  Something about it felt off.  There was a missing ingredient I sorely needed.  While we don’t have grizzlies in the Rockies, I’ve crossed paths with plenty of black bears, large cats, and moose in various settings to get my heart thumping.  I need help minding my manners and a lower spot on the food chain is a step in the right direction for me.

My training as an apex predator conflicts with my pursuit of Jesus and a healthy life.  When I return home from work, Kathy deserves my undivided attention, not my dominant business persona.  It saddens me that despite efforts to the contrary, old patterns often prevail.  The family has ended up with too much of my predator self.  I often dominate conversations and fail to be present to them as I should.

Jesus knows all these things about me.  He takes me aside regularly, as he did with James and John and says, “That’s not the path to life, Joe.  It will neither satisfy you nor honor me.  I want to show you a better way.”  As in all things, he corrects me with love.

Old habits die hard but I am confident that the Father will get me where I need to go in this quest.  The chance to walk with Kathy in the footsteps of Frodo Baggins in gorgeous New Zealand scenery was a lifetime trip for me.  If only there could have been a couple orcs mixed into it.